Answering the Call...Again

At the end of the Hudson River Swim for Life last year, I looked at the river and thought, "I'll get you next year".  Our three mile swim had been cut to one mile due to dangerous conditions. The river was swollen and churning. The Coast Guard said no. I was disappointed. That mile was the longest mile I had ever swum, but at the end, I felt a little robbed.  All those months of training, visualizing the long swim across, I had figured if I didn't make it, it would be because I couldn't, now I didn't know.  I promised myself I would be back. I kept swimming twice a week, at least a mile.

Then, my body exploded.  After three surgeries, a six day hospital stay and ten long weeks of recovery, I figured my date with the Hudson would have to be cancelled.  Every day I drove past and stared at the river longingly.  It called to me. I dreamed of swimming.  Every lake and stream and river called to me.  I bugged my doctor. "Two more weeks," he said, week after week after week. 

A friend's husband was diagnosed with Leukemia and I fell called to swim to honor and support him, but my doctor kept saying "two more weeks'. When he finally agreed, grudgingly, that I could get back in the pool, I signed up for the swim immediately.  I had to answer the call.  I swim because I need to prove that I can. I swim for all those whose bodies have betrayed them. I swim for the patients served by the LLS and their families.  I swim because, finally after lots of "two more weeks", I can.  I hope you'll support me in this journey, in whatever way you can.  Read the blog, cheer me on, join the team or make a financial donation. Your financial support will help patients with LLS through patient services, advocacy and research. Please visit my donations page to contribute. 

The end is just the beginning

My Dad, Sackal and I at the end of my swim

Let’s start with the “end”.  On Saturday the 10^th of September, I swam one mile in the Hudson. It was a beautiful day and I was accompanied by my parents, Sackal, a good friend and my amazing teammates. While I had trained hard for that day, no one could have prepared us for the condition of the water, high and choppy and so full of sediment that it looked a bit like Pepto Bismal.  We were all disappointed that we were cut back from three miles to one, but that one mile was a challenge in itself.  As I swam, I thought about what a lucky person I am to have been supported at every step by kind, generous and supportive friends and strangers.  As I looked up at the shoreline I could see the friends and family gathered in support of this crazy endeavor and was spurred on by their cheers.  As I walked out of the water, filthy and exhausted I was greeted by hugs and applause and felt, for the first time in my adult life, like an athlete.  You were all there on the shoreline with me, whether you knew it or not.  Thank you!

It’s taken me a while to write the final installation of Floatation Devices, because I really didn’t want the process to be over.  I’ve felt a little like Inigo Montoya at the end of “The Princess Bride”.  He says, “I’ve been in the revenge business so long now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.”  At the end of my swim I felt overjoyed and proud but a little uneasy about what the end would mean.  I knew that I wanted to keep swimming and blogging, but wasn’t sure how to keep the momentum going.

I’ve managed to find a pool that I think will be a good home for my swimming endeavors, and have managed, so far, to keep swimming on a three day a week schedule.  The question of the next big challenge has been a much harder struggle.  In the next few days I will be starting new blog, yet to be named, but I hope some of you will continue to read and support me in the next leg of the journey.  It will chronicle my attempt to find real, meaningful, lasting work in the cultural arts field. I have a dream and a vision, but I will need a plan and a community to make it a reality.  I invite all of you to join me in that community.  More info soon.

xoxo

The Final Countdown...8 days...

The Hudson River Swim for Life is eight days away.  As opening strains of "The Final Countdown" echo in my ears, I can't help but reflect on all the days that have brought us this far.  It was just over three months ago that I first re-entered the pool after a long winter out of the water for our first team practice. That night, three consecutive laps seemed like a huge accomplishment, and three miles seemed impossible.  Now, I swim two or more miles every time we practice.  The finish line is in sight and I intend to get to it, come hell or high water, literally.

The day of our swim will be six years and one day after I was hit by a jeep during my first weeks at graduate school. Had someone told me back then how far I would rebound I would not have believed them.  Overcoming obstacles has never been a strength of mine; I avoid, circumnavigate or give up, given half a chance. That day six years ago I felt my life would never be the same, life got divided into "before the accident" and "after the accident", my friends grew weary of my dramatics and mocked my histrionics.  Rightly so.  Yes, things changed and the trajectory shifted, but the journey continued, changed but not destroyed.

The day after our swim will be the 10 year anniversary of 9/11, a moment when the whole world turned upside down. I'm sure those recollections will be on many of our minds as we swim across the river, knowing that our lives have been forever changed because of that event.  On that day we all learned what heroism and sacrifice looked like in real time.

I look around at my fellow swimmers and I see a group of heroes, a goofy bunch of crazy people, who have inspired me to continue this crazy dream and maybe make a small difference in someone's life. I hope that in some small way, our swim is a testament to the idea that in the face of pain and fear and frustration, dedication, sacrifice and love can heal our world, one stitch at  time.

As the countdown continues I hope you'll keep my fellow swimmers, their honored teammates and the patients served by LLS in your thoughts and prayers.

Doubt and Faith

On some level, signing up for the Swim for Life was an act of blind faith. Faith in myself, that I would stick to a training regimen and not quit. Faith that my body would strengthen and change to meet the demands I would put upon it.  Faith that the people I love would support me and cheer me on. Faith that I would come out of the experience changed for the better.  That step in faith has guided my decisions for the last three months, as I have given over to the process completely.

A few weeks ago, we were asked to recommit to the team, which requires us to declare our intentions to see this process through and commit to to pay the difference if our fundraising goals are not met. I signed the paperwork without hesitation. Then I sent an email to as many people as I could think to ask for donations.  I received one reply. The next week, practice was cancelled, due to a sewage leak and the makeup date was on a day which was impossible for me. Suddenly fear started creeping back in. Then practice for this past weekend was cancelled due to another sewage leak and it started to feel like the universe was literally poo-pooing my plans for success.

In the next few days, my biggest challenge will be finding a way back to the faith that has brought me this far in order to make it to the finish line.

Surviving "Tortoise Time"

I’ve been a naughty blogger.  I have not been nearly as consistent as I would like to be and for that I apologize.  I’ve come to the point in my training, and in my blogging, at which routine is necessary.  With swimming this means being in the pool three to four days a week, consistently swimming lap after lap, growing stronger and building endurance.  This is an extremely important point, which I have dubbed “tortoise time”, because it requires me to be slow and steady.  It isn’t flashy or exciting, but it is the most important part of the process, the part that will transform me from a person trying to swim across the Hudson into the swimmer who will.

While tortoise time is very important to my success at making it across the river, it does not make for a thrilling read.  As someone new to blogging, I worry that I will not be interesting enough, that I will bore you out of your minds or worse, that in an attempt to keep things interesting I will say too much.  Those of you who know me in real life, are aware that I am an over-sharer of the highest class; I rarely have a thought that I believe worthy of keeping to myself.  However, I was raised by brilliant parents who taught me (after a note I sent to a young man who had wronged me made its way to the Principal), that I should use caution when putting things in writing.

Feedback would be extremely helpful.  What brings you back to the blog? What are you interested in reading about in this process? How much do you really want to know?  Just as my coaches can help me become stronger as a swimmer, I hope you all will feel comfortable helping me along.

In the coming weeks I am going to do my best to create routines and stay consistent in swimming and in blogging. I hope you will keep me in your thoughts and keep cheering me along as I trudge along, slow and steady to the finish line.  I appreciate it so much.

The Open Water

On Saturday, I finally got to take part in an open water swim in the Hudson.  It was a beautiful day in the Hudson Valley; the sky was a clear blue and cloudless, without the haze that sometimes hides the far shore. It was warm but not oppressive, a perfect day for taking on the river.

As I drove to the beach club where I was meeting the team, my stomach churned with worries.  Would my stitches be a problem? Would I be so far behind that I wouldn’t complete the scheduled ¾ mile? When I arrived at the club, one of my teammates mentioned that she had been reading the blog and has felt many of the same fears I’ve been expressing throughout.  It was nice to feel the camaraderie of shared fears, to know that I was not alone, but it was also a reminder that sometimes I swim with fear wrapped around my ankles like buoys dragging behind me, slowing me down, holding me back.

As I entered the water, someone asked if anyone was nervous, I, of course, raised my hand, when I asked what I was nervous about, I responded cheekily “oh, you know, dying”.  Even though I was clearly being a smartass and masking fear with a joke, it occurred to me that while the likelihood of that happening for me was fairly low, it isn’t for those I am trying to support.

The swim itself went fine, though it was very hard. For the first quarter mile I could not remember how to stroke and kick and breathe simultaneously, I swallowed about half the river and managed to smack one of my teammates on the rear (oops!). During the second quarter mile, the waves picked up and I forgot how to swim completely, though I was rapidly becoming a river chugging champ! By the end of the third and final lap around the big orange buoy, however, I could, for the first time, envision myself crossing the finish line on September 10^th.  I still have a long way to go and I’m sure there are still setbacks and bumps to overcome, but I will keep swimming, and blogging, and bothering you for money, and getting a little farther every time.

Treading Water

A few days ago, a group of us swam together and at the end of the workout, someone mentioned that they needed to work on treading water, in preparation for the open water swim.  I laughed, crossed my legs like a yogi and bobbed along like a rubber ducky. As a naturally buoyant person, I don’t need to work very hard to stay afloat. As a result, I loathe treading water; I find it extremely frustrating, neither moving forward nor relaxing, working hard but not really getting anywhere.

The last few weeks have felt like treading water, I’m working hard in my workouts, but because of my injury I don’t feel like I’m progressing fast enough. I worry that I won’t be able to meet my fundraising goals without completely alienating everyone around me. The holiday schedule made it hard to find pool time, things are busy at work and everyone else seems to be making progress while I thrash around in place growing increasingly convinced that I won’t be able to make it to the finish line.

Some days it feels like giving up would be the easiest route, to just relax, float along with the current and stop working so hard. However, today is not that someday.  Today I’m going to keep pushing myself to keep my head above water, even if it doesn’t feel like progress. You see, the wonderful thing about treading water is that it gives you time to look around and get pointed in the right direction so when you finally overcome inertia and start moving again, you end up right where you belong.